The prisoner of my thoughts

My head goes around and around on the same topic, as if I am a prisoner of this thought/feeling.  If I think about it, I kind of do not care, or I would love not to care. I hate worrying about this stupid crap that makes no sense.  I do not know where it’s coming from or what I am supposed to do with it.

All I really want to do is to empower myself. I want to feel great about myself, about who I am and what I do, I want to be mesmerized by my own person without being conceited or thinking I am better than others.  I would love to feel like a flower in a garden where all is beautiful, all the flowers are beautiful, all the butterflies and the bugs… they all form part of the same beauty.

 I do not want to care to know what I am, if I am a bush or a rose or a daisy.. I do not want to know if I am lavender or a Lili.   I want to be loved for no reason, I want to be admired for no reason, I want to feel pretty and confident! I want to be happy and loved. 

It is such a waste of time, life and energy feeling what I feel, but sometimes it feels like the feelings own me instead of me owning my feelings… I can think that those feeling do not make sense and try to rationalize them, but they are still there, I still feel them, they still make me uncomfortable or cry.

I do have really deep thoughts about my feelings.  For example I get really jealous and pissed when I see naked women on movies or ads. Because it does put on a lot of pressure on women in general.  I cannot help to compare myself, I also do not enjoy my partner looking at other naked women.   Because in my head if he gets pleasure from seeing other naked women he will compare my body to their body (even if he is a gentleman and denies it).  Also when you see so many naked women you start losing the rush, the awe, the feeling of looking at something special and private.

And on my side I do compare myself to them, and even when I do think in my head that I am beautiful, I cannot deny that they are also beautiful.  I thing over and over how would men feel if there were cocks on display everywhere, male completely naked in movies and posters…. Showing their bared cocks?

They would compare themselves, they would start feeling the way we feel!   I get really angry just thinking how unfair it is for women to have to deal with this situation.  But I do not know what can I do about it? I wish I could avoid seeing movies that show naked women, but it’s so hard… I am an outcast, and by the time I see that there’s a naked woman on the movie even if I get out of the movie theater or return the tape, I already gave my money to that cause.   I feel so helpless.

It is this feeling I want to get rid of… but how?

Am I wrong? am I too insecure? or the opposite, I am confident enough to talk about this and call it what it is. I recognize my feeling and give them the value they have. I do not think I am being irrational. I wish men felt the same way women feel. THe world would be a better place.  but that is not my goal to make men and women feel bad.  I want male and female to feel good! to feel empowered.