Its funny how life gives you answers when you question yourself. I've been dealing with different issues all through my life. Some issues I have overcome and others dwell.
Its a never ending, always changing situation, this little thing we call life. My life last week was away from what I call home. I went on a trip for leisure. But my mind does not take vacation just because I am away from routine. If anything it takes on the opportunity to thrive and expand. And so it did.
I found myself churning on ideas that have been in my head for a while. My ego is trying to understand why I am dealing with these emotions that seem to come from nowhere with no reason and no foundation, they linger in my head and attack me in the middle of the night or when I am least thinking of them .
These emotions attack my persona and make me vulnerable and uncomfortable in my own skin. I realized that most of the situations I was in I had induced myself, and while knowing why I am feeling what I am feeling not necessarily meant that I stopped the feeling I did however felt better. I also felt sorry that I had those thoughts. Thoughts of judgment. I had thoughts of believe I was better than the other person. That I would make a better decision that the other person given the circumstances, but that might not be truth. We might not choose differently if we were 100 % in the other person's shoes.
We like to believe that we would be wiser, we we might not be. So I was judgmental, and that is probably why I ended up feeling what I was feeling, but I am hopeful now, that by realizing what I am going through I can somehow change the emotions that I feel. At least i know one thing for sure, that I now see things from a different perspective.
Whether that is good or not, it doesn't really matter. It is all part of the human experience. right now what is important to me is to forgive myself, for placing myself in this situation, I forgive myself for being judgmental, I didn't know better. and that is how i understand self compassion as of today. as forgiving what hurts me the most.