childhood - Past or Present ? III

Now that I have the opportunity to "revisit" my past, to revisit my Childhood.

I have been able to accept myself. To forgive myself for my mistakes. I have been able to forgive those who I thought were hurting me. I can see my events and my past as if it was a story, or a movie.

And I can also change the events with my imagination.

I remember not so long ago, feeling very stressed and depressed about the way I look. I would feel like anything I would put on was making me look bad. But I knew this wasn't true. Not only because I have mirrors,  and because the people that I love and trust would tell me that I look great, but also because I know that it doesn't matter what you put on, its how you feel what you portray and what people perceive.

So what was it then ? why was I feeling that way, and I remember when I was little my mom used to dress me with little girls dresses with ruffles and flowers and lace. All of the adults thought I looked really cute like a doll. But I didn't want to look like a child! I did not want to look like a doll.  some of my friends would dress in jeans... or with more simple outfits. ( I am not sure if out of not having such fancy dresses, or because they were just allowed to choose their own outfit.) In my head all the other children were probably just allowed to choose their clothes and I had to wear these dresses. Most of them were really pretty, but there was this one in particular, a  dark brown with dark magenta stripes that used to be my mother's skirt, she turned it into a like A loose dress with a huge white collar with lace on the trim. HIDEOUS!!!

I still remember not wanting to wear it and my mom trying to convince me to wear it.
When I started remembering the emotions starting flowing again as if I was 5 ... I hated it , then I hated my mother.

Why would she make me wear it? why couldn't she sacrifice her ego and allow me not to wear that dress?  was the dress more important than my mental health ? couldn't she see how much I hated it ? I was feeling so much anger, then I remember one time that my brother cut out the flowers of the bed spread that my mom once used for his bed, and when my mother asked him why did he cut them out, he said he did not want flowers on his bed, so he cut them out.

And I thought I should have been brave enough, or smart enough,  back then to cut that dress up to the point of being unwearable... and then I felt so  angry at myself, because I realized that I was not really a victim, that I had choices that I either did not see at the moment or I made the choice to not act on them.   It was then I when I laughed. I laughed at the idea of cutting the dress in half. I liberated my to think that I could have done that, and that it would be so childish to do such thing, and that maybe I was still the grown up by taking the ugly dress and choosing the ugly dress over my mother's feelings.

I think now, if I had cut the dress, how would my mother feel? would I have hurt her feelings because she made it for me, and I didn't appreciated? and the answer is : very likely!

and I choose my mother to feel happy over wearing a hideous dress any day.  and this way of thinking changed my emotions.

My thoughts continued, well, now that I am a grown up, that the hideous dress is long gone, and that my mother is happy with me, I can "heal myself" by recreating the dress and cutting it in half!  But the whole idea felt unnecessary at this point for this particular feeling... ( there might be other issues where there's more follow up)  But instead, I decided that what I can do is to choose what I wear every day.

Every day I enjoy and I am thankful for the luxury of being able to choose what to wear.