I used to think that I was better than others.

Whenever I got good grades at school, I thought I was better than my classmates. When I used to get compliments on anything I would do or say, I thought I was better.  AS I grew older in the place I grew up, my feeling superior from doing something "better than others" slowly shifted to looking better than others, or having more or "better" things than others... and that would make me feel Happy ... thinking that I was better than others.

now that I am older, I try to understand this feeling and I don't.

Where is this feeling of happiness by thinking that we are better than others coming from. I think of it and rationalize it and it doesn't make sense.

I like to think that I like unity, but I don't .

If I don't differentiate myself from others... then I feel like I am not doing enough, that am failing.

But I realize now that I wasn't better than others... I thought I was better, but I was not.

Maybe I just had better opportunities, maybe I was lucky that my parents supported my in everything I wanted, maybe my parents bought me all the books I wanted and respected my desires to read, to spend time doing homework, maybe that deep desire of learning that came from withing gave me so much joy that learning and getting good grades represented no challenge to me.... so how was I better than the other kids that maybe didn't even had those opportunities?

I now struggle to find what is it that makes me happy? Do i really want to be "happy"? and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it ? is it worth it ?

What makes me happy?