About Beauty and Confidence

I probably am obsessed with this topic. I am an obsessive person after all, but I do respect my obsessive character.  

I believe everything serves a reason and if I still have these thoughts there might be a reason why.

I indulge in thoughts and feelings. I allow myself to let my thoughts flow and my feelings manifest though me.

I have been afraid or my thoughts and my feelings, I would not deny this. But I also believe that has made me wiser and stronger to allow them to flow and observe them.

About Beauty and Confidence...

I become conscious and self aware of how I feel through the day.  And I believe that my :how I feel" is influenced by how I perceive myself.  Do I perceive myself as someone smart? Do I perceive myself as someone wise? Do I perceive myself as someone pretty...? and I realized that one of the most "influential" feelings to me is how I perfectible myself in terms of beauty.

I ask myself why? what does it matter and why does it matter?

Why I am "worried" or "focused" on how I look?  Who cares how I look? ( Someone must care since I am so focused on it...)

But I do care, I do want to be smart, I do want to be wise, I do want to be successful, I do want to be generous and gentle, I want to be compassionate.... but the truth is that to me it matters to be perceived by myself as an attractive woman.

( And I say this as if I actually did something about it... but  I do not care that much... I do not put on make up in the morning, I brush my hear like twice a week and I could not care less on my outfit more thank it should be comfortable. I choose comfort over looks every time)

But this is not a one time a day decision I make... all through the day I question myself... "how do I feel now?"  "How Do I perceive myself now?"  Its a constant battle.

I wonder if this is a woman thing? or is this a general thing? is this a race or country exclusive feeling?

Do we all more or less face the same concerns ?

I would consider myself a very superficial woman for thinking about looks... but I am not a superficial woman. or at least not by choice. I am aware of my thoughts and I choose consciously to focus on something more meaningful.

But I am also very respectful of my nature and I love analyzing myself.

I just received a magazine yesterday... ( I didn't buy it... I haven't bought one of these magazines in so long, yet I still get them... the other day my friend brought me a box with magazines, and then I received magazines on the mail by mistake... either way that is another story....)  and the issue was about full figure models or extra large size models.... ( I am not sure what the right word is here)

The point is that one of the articles was talking about how can we explain that magazines are still using "models" that do not represent the actual real women on their pictures and ads.

It doesn't make sense..  Why are we buying clothes and styles that do not make us feel better, why do we want to look like these "models" that to my point of view look so far away from natural and from what we are ... why are we denying ourselves so much.

Why do we feel bad for not looking like them? We feel terrible, because they have placed a picture infront of us and it looks nothing like us.

These models are actually not women. They have placed before us girls, not smart, not valuable, not fertile girls. Most of these girls on magazines are not even 20 years old, they have not accomplised anything valuable to the world and even them are "fixed" to look certain way. as if being 20 wasn't already good enough, they diet, they bleach, they color, they put on, they take off.... they change, they suffer.. and this is the image that we want to portray ?

But I realized that is not the image of the body what makes us envious... is the image of what they portray ... Confidence..... they look confident on their poses and their pictures... even when they themselves could be the least confident girl in the world.

I am very very surprised that this is still going on...