I like watching my thoughts and my feelings.
Even when I am completely submerged in them... ( Meaning, I think them, i react to them I feel them... ) I also watch them and watch myself from afar.
I discover who I really am by doing this, although I don't purposely do it. IT kind of just happens.
I get to know better who or what this personality of this lifetime in this moment in this realm is.
In spite of not being able to find out yet who is the real author of the emotions I go through and where my thoughts come from... I still find it fascinating to watch.
Sometimes a feeling triggers another feeling. For example, I get upset on the road, and I am feeling upset inside my body inside my car... but I am also seeing me from above and I think why is this person ( myself) feeling angry? Then I try to control the emotion and rationalize it, and it gets worse because the person who is watching feels powerless to see that it cannot change the first person's ( my inside the car ) feelings, then the second person( me watching from above) gets upset to see that it understands it different, and yet the first person is still feeling the original feeling.
And this is where it gets confusing. Shouldn't we, whatever we are, be in control of thoughts and emotions? and it does feel like we are not. At least I do feel like I am not.
So the other day I was thinking.... what do I want? What would make me happy? Anything... it's just a thought and no matter how good or bad, I do not need to judge it because its a secret inside my head. And different scenarios started to show in my head and I started examining each one, deeply, and trying to find out if that is really what I would like, and in my Scrutinizing the scenarios I realize that I am limiting myself.... that these excuses that I create in my head of why that is not what I want and how that would not make me happy, is all in my head.
I believe in my rational mind that I can be happy in any scenario in any circumstance, yet my body sends me signals of fear or lack of trust when I incline to do certain things.
does that mean that I am a prisoner of my feelings and emotions, regardless of what I think? For example, I remember when I was young I would get very passionate angry easily, so I would think, I am not going to get angry... this is probably going to happen and I am going to remain cool. And as soon as the "thing" that I thought would happened happened, I would explode in anger.. uncontrollable anger... and One part of me would float out of my body and see from above and think... what is going on? I was not going to be angry... but I was... The more I would think about the feeling the more the feeling would fuel. If I let it go, the emotion would take over the whole situation, and then I was afraid that one day I would end up doing something that I would regret.
am I the only one feeling this way? is this how its supposed to be?
At least now I feel more confident about getting closer to finding out what I really want.