Like I always experience ... the universe is always in sync and I am always in sync with the universe....
Last week a dear friend of my mother lost her son. I know her.. I know her family... when my mother moved to a different town her friends would invite me to breakfast or lunch and say that I was my mom's representative while she was away.
I got to know her heart. She is the sweetest person you'll meet. Although I gotta admit that my mom is also the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. Maybe that is why they are friends.
Last week her son was missing. They could not find him and everyone started looking for him... flyers were made and spread all over social media.
Police reports were lifted and a whole community was in prayers and looking for him...
I could not imagine what a great pain it would be to not know where and how is your son. So many questions might be rushing thought this mother's head... How do you live your life not knowing where your son is.. is he OK ? Does he need your help? Should you go out and look on the streets? etc...
But she remained calm and trusting in GOD's perfect plan .
A few days ago I started reading this book where one of the stories is about a mother who is giving birth... and during child birth the baby died. ( Lost connections from Johann Hari)
This is how life is so synch... there's is no coincidences.
She narrates in the book her story and how she contemplated birth and death all at once in one single moment.
What terrible pain she must have felt. She did say in her book it was the worst heartbreak that anyone can imagine. My heart shrunk at the thought.
These two stories, one happening at teh moment and very close to me and other one in the past, maybe 10 years past and coming from a person I didn't know connected somehow.
I instantly remembered... the movie Arrival directed by Denis Villeneuve where (Spoiler Alert) * The principal characters are given the key to see past , present and future.. at once... instead of in a linear way as we usually do... where they both have the opportunity to live what they know they will live...
among which is the illness and death of their daughter. The father decides that he cannot deal with such pain and decides to avoid it all together .. so he never knows he has a daughter...But the mother decides to have the daughter despite of it all... knowing that living life is worth everything... if anything that is what life is ... the ups and downs and would not give it up for anything in the world.
I understood at a rational level something that day. That given the opportunity of sharing life and living the love of a relationship son or daughter and parent... that is one of the most strong relationships of love there are .... maybe also one of the purest if there is a pure love.
Tears came down my face when I put all these together ....
A few days later we learned that my mother's friend's son was deceased.
Explicable or inexplicable I felt so sad.. as a punch in the stomach. I could not believe my ears when I was notified. I felt the punch hurt at so many levels.
I had to hold my tears back and my thoughts... I blocked the emotion... I blocked the thoughts ... I blocked every single tear that formed in my eyes.
My mom didn't know and we didn't know how to tell her. WE could not find a way to give her this news.
My mom had just recently came out of a month in the ICU and my brother was in town to take care of her... the day that we learned was the day before my brother had to depart to his town and his life.
I could not imagine what would I do if it had been my brother ... I felt so sad... for this guy's siblings... he was the oldest and so his siblings always looked up to him. How was his father feeling.. knowing that his first born son was no longer sharing a human experience... and how did they notify his mother .... I felt the pain as a mother and as a daughter where I would never want my mom having to hear any news like this...
If I could not find a way to tell my mother about her friends son...
I just CAN'T
Yesterday was his memorial .. as I drove closer to the place I could feel the tears that I had held back bubbling in my eyes....
How is this possible... I barely knew him... I knew about this days ago... It doesn't matter now... there's nothing we can do to change things.. there's nothing we can say now... there's no "solution" to this... there is "no hope".
I parked my car and made my way to the memorial building... it was crawled... several rooms full of people some coming some leaving .. but over all pretty full... more like packed.
As I walked closer a door on the side of the building opened.... and right in the first chairs next to the door were my parents seating.. praying.. and as I walked closer... a staff member was bringing more chairs to accommodate the growing crowd.. making it possible for me to seat next to them.
They had been seeing the family daily since the incident... they seemed more calm that I was ... I didn't want them to see me crying... ( Something that I haven really analyzed.. but its something that I feel ashamed of ... I might write about it on another post).
I sat between them. I could not hold my tears this time.
It seems for some reason that my brain connects all the funerals that I've gone to in my life and my brain "funeral folder " opens and everything is there.. in my face.. vivid... present...
I remember my first funeral that I remember .. it was my grandmothers on my dad's side... I do remember holding my tears back.. I did not want to be perceived week. I was a teenager... I do not even know how old I was... but I always wanted to look tough... at school... at home.... it just seemed safer to look tough. I do not remember much .... I do remember wanting to buy a rose for her and my parents took us me and my brother to get a flower... I chose a single pale rose.. that I thought was so beautiful and represented exactly what I wanted to express that day.... sadness... beautiful sadness...and that rose was it...
I think my brother also chose one single rose.. but I believe he chose white.
I remember the funeral home and I am pretty sure it was not dim lights ... but that is how I remember it. Dim light.
I also remembered my grandmother's funeral on my mother's side.... I was older so I could remember more... I was also more mature and I allowed myself to feel sad.. I felt sad for my dad's mom and for my mom's mom.... not for them... for I know they are fine...
I have actually been in touch with all my grandparents since they left to the next plane ... ( I might also write about this on a future post)
We pray in this funeral.. he was 24 years old... so young.. such a beautiful life.. he seemed such a beautiful person... you can tell this things... and get confirmation by the type of people who was there at his funeral, you can tell because he could only be a beautiful soul knowing his family.
I also got confirmation when his best friends spoke.... yet one more level of sadness stroked me since I had not thought .. how would I feel if I lost my best friend. I had brought flowers to the memorial and a card....
I didn't know what to write on the card... what can you tell the family that would make it better...
I searched the web... I could not find anything that would resonate with me...
I prayed... I prayed to my guardian angel and to my higher self.. to please help me find the right words to say...
This came out:
" Dear Family:
I t is with great sadness in my heart that I write this and I would like to share this saying with you:
Know that it was not your fault. That most questions will not have answers. Allow yourself to smile again, for smiling does not mean you forgot your loved one; but that you celebrate their life.
And remember... that what the caterpillar calls death, GOD calls it the birth of the butterfly"
I wrote ir on a card that I got from donating to have trees planted (https://shop.arborday.org/content.aspx?page=commemorative )
I felt good about my card and my words...
After the prayer friends and family share thoughts, feelings and messages...
When his mom was up on the stage ... and she started talking .. I could not believe my ears ...
Her message went something like this ...
" I would like to give thanks... thanks to GOD for the beautiful gift he sent me ... for the beautiful opportunity of allowing me to be the mother of such a beautiful person like my son. Thank you because I was so happy being B's mom, and hearing his voice say " I love you mom" because he allowed me to experience B's hugs, and words.. and he allowed us to be a beautiful family with my son. Thanks to God for B's life. It was a beautiful life.. and B was a beautify smart boy. A bit shy but always smiling.. he filled our hearts. He give thanks to GOD because he allowed us to see B grow. and become what he became. "
And then she started talking to B... "Thank you son.. for being my son. for all the happy moments your gave us... thank you for being part of this beautiful family... thank you for your beautiful smiles. Thank you for the hugs, for the letters .... lately for all the surprise visits... thank you for your wise words..."
"Dear God... I only ask you one thing... always look after my son... this is the only thing I always pray for and I continue to pray as he follows the journey towards your arms... please look after him always"
I thought... WOW... I think I would only be able to think how GOD had failed me had I been in her shoes... How did GOD look after him if he was now gone.
But all she say is LIFE and LOVE... life and love after death.
She went on and on with the thanks .. all her words were of gratitude and love... of perfect trust in GOD's perfect plan... Not one single drop of doubt in her words ... she was calm... SAD but calm. she read a letter of him.... the whole community was brought to tears.
Such a strong woman... after loosing a son.. I could only imagine the emptiness... but she saw the LOVE ... and how LOVE can only fill up and never deplete.
a true embodiment of understanding.
Her world was filled with love.
She is such a beautiful soul.
I found relief ....
Went I went to pay my respects she hugged me so lovingly and she said: " so good to see you ... Know that GOD is looking after your mom and that she is and will be fine" .
WOW... in the middle of the tragedy.. of the sorrow and on the loss ... she only found words of love for me and my family.
* This is only my interpretation and understanding of this movie solely.
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