The Game of Creating

I always get the feeling that life is like a game.

Were we come here to play.

We choose our characters before we come down and then we play our roll and we play our part.

When I was little the only thing that kept me from suicide was  being afraid.  I was afraid that I would come back again and again in worse situations each time.

I am not sure where I got this idea from. But I was really depressed and repressed and I just did not want to be here.

I used to feel very trapped and the whole world to be very unjust. I now realized that my parents were probably very unjust ... mostly my mother. And I do not blame her. That was just my perception.

Because I perceived myself as an adult when I was a child. I  did not like to depend on others, I did not like having to obey, rules made no sense to me.  I had opinions that did not go with anyone else around me and I pretty much felt like a complete alien trapped in an strange body that kept changing and changing and did not make much sense.

I remember asking my mother why do we have noses ... and she would reply: "To breathe", but why do we need to breathe. If we can be anything why needing oxygen. The whole body thing was way too strange for me.

Now I understand this feeling.. if I came from a non physical place... the body just simply makes no sense.  One of the hardest things to get used to and that I still need to make an effort to  cope with is  Transportation time... like we need to travel and there's time spent on traveling... we do not just appear where our mind goes.. we need to take the body through the whole physical plane and drag it along ...( also it's very slow if you ask me.... way to slow) to take it from point A to point B.

And the other thing is words, signs or verbal communication... I still do not understand that we cannot use telepathy to communicate.  Its mind blowing... how come we have not gotten to that point... but the older I grow the more I loose  hope that it would happen at any point.

I know it happens just not universal.. .we are so individualistic and  broken.

So past that I found myself being scared to ending this life to start a new one... I also do not know why I would assume that if you suicide you come back right back ....

But those were my thoughts  back then...and by trying to understand that I have come to the conclusion that we are here to experience and manifest.

Its like a game... where you come down here and you imagine things and then you can "live them" experience them. and this might sound really exiting is you contrast it with being in eternal nirvana.

Nirvana would not be pleasant if you have nothing to compare it to.  Comfort means nothing if you are not uncomfortable first. Satisfactions means nothing if you have not been unsatisfied. Cold means nothing if you haven't been hot and vise-versa. Perfect temperature means nothing if you haven't been on not perfect temperature. You can't feel love if you haven't felt lack of love. etc.

If we are one, togetherness, light  and love for ever and ever.. that means nothing....

but then you are given the opportunity to separate, to come to earth, to live to experience... where there's duality and contrast. and then you can actually "Live" and that is when we are born.

Before we come down to earth we are given the opportunity to create our "character" who we are going to be... and we have all these options.... endless options.

You can choose:
1. Nationality
2. Gender
3. Gender Preference
4. Parents
5. Siblings or lack of
6. Family or lack of
7. Health ( degree of health)
8. Endless possibilities

I also believe its a bit more complex than just these.. I also believe that you choose assignments and things that you want to experience... people that would help you achieve those goals and get those feelings, things you want to over come, etc.

So we get here and we forget what we came here for.... we forget the rules, we forget the power and the magic, we forget everything and start in these weird bodies and understand how they work and how this world works and before we know we are running on a wheel like a hamster  and we do not even know why or where we were going.  We race... we run as fast as we can but we never get anywhere.
Sometimes you fall of the wheel and think that is the worst it could happen to you, but it's precisely the opposite, if you realize what happened it might be the best thing that can happen to you.

so a few days ago while walking on the hospital hall on my way to visit my mother at the ICU I remember this thought.. that all I need to do is remember... remember what I came here for. Remember the magic, remember the power. Remember that if I can imagine it  I can achieve it. I can get it .. I can experience it..

I realized that I haven't done much on my personal growth, on my spiritual connection. I haven't worked on practicing my magic.

So now that I had a glimpse of what I wanted to remember I would start practicing the feeling of just creating what I like. to Dwell in the feelings I like, to spend more time on those feelings. To be more conscious about what I pay attention to. Pay attention to what I say, do, feel.