Burnt out sensation

I am tired...
I am exhausted !

I find myself thinking this thoughts of even saying them out load.

I actually am not sure if I am tired, burnt out or just bored.

How do you know the difference ?

So Far I do not know....

I know I don't wanna do certain things and I don't know if I do not want to do them because I am lazy, because I am tired or because I am bored.

Going to the gym has been a struggle .... since I can remember.

Not one time I have been like: " Oh yeah... I wanna go to the Gym"
NOT once... and to consider that going to the gym means having a little time by myself. Well. as by myself as it gets.. right.. there's more people... and sometimes people are just conversational ... but I mean... where I can just hear my own thoughts.

I like swimming.. I can submerge my head and not hear anything....

Also going to the gym means I can take a warm shower without being asked where some toy went or just being stared by a toddler who cannot let go sight of his mother.

But, no even at that ... I rather didn't go to the gym....

I also find myself not motivated to go to work.

I know I need to go to work just to make a living. I mean I do want to have a house, not just a regular house, I wanna have a nice, comfortable, big house. With nice updated appliances and all the comforts I can get.

I also want to have a nice, reliable comfortable vehicle.

I feel like either I am depressed or I have lost my ability to dream.

I remember I used to get excited about things... and now, it seems pointless.

Everything seems pointless.

For example, I used to get excited about an outfit and about the opportunity to wear it.

Now, I still feel compelled to buy beautiful clothes.. but it makes me sad that I have nowhere to use it. And if I get the opportunity to wear it.. it does not bring me the happiness I thought it would.  It doesn't matter what I wear, or where I go, its pointless. It adds to nothing.. why do we even do things?  I have lost the thrill..

I do feel like I am out of touch.

I used to be able to meditate, to get to that meditative state.
I was able to visualize.
I used to believe....

I still believe,... but i can't feel it.

I am a bit disappointed in life.

I am disappointed in myself.  Because I have't accomplished what I want. Because it seems like it takes more effort than what I am willing to do to get things. Because I haven't created it as easy as I wanted it to be.  Because I haven't created what I want to create. Because I am tired and I want things but they seem unattainable.

Because it also seems pointless... because I am not sure I still believe in myself.

I trust the universe. I know that I will get it just because I want it.

I have done it before and I know I can do it again...

But I can't get rid of this feeling...

It burns my soul....

I am tired. .... I wanna close my eyes and rest... and not having to push myself to do things I do not want to do...

I do not want to go to the gym anymore... but I do not want to be fat, or old , or sedentary.

I don't want to come to this office anymore,. but I do not want to be broke, I want to keep my house, my car and at least this lifestyle.

I wanna travel, I want to go to a warm beach...I want to have leisure time. I wanna not have to worry about anything.

One of the best feelings in the world... one of the best days of my life is when I used to stay over the night at my grandparents house and wake up just because I am done sleeping to a warm room in a familiar place with a familiar smell, get up rested... with lightness in my body... and see the familiar warm face or my grandparents... have something light to eat... whatever I want.. and sit in the porch on a rocking chair with no plans whatsoever for the day... just to enjoy the day as it comes...

My grandma would sit with me and we would talk. Sometimes we went to the market... to by the vegetables and things.