One night I woke up inside a huge mansion.
When I opened my eyes, my vision was out of focus, but I could perceive red tones.
It was all very dark and despite the darkness I knew it was a very large house with many rooms.
It felt cold up my back and down my neck.
My muscles were numb and contracted at the same time.
As I was incorporating the pain was installing in my body.
I had a hard time looking up.
I felt very alone inside the house and despite feeling abandoned, dirty and neglected, the environment was dense, stagnant ... as if without oxygen.
I felt suffocated being there, and as best I could I got to my feet.
Had they hit me?
I had the feeling as if something had run me over, but I'm here. I am alive, I don't think I have fractures .. but I'm not so sure.
It's hard for me to stand up and look up, but as I look up, I discover the number of floors in the house and the immensity of it.
Have you seen these horror movies of abandoned mansions where upon entering the house a large foyer opens and there are a staircase or two on the sides?
So is this house. Large with several floors ... And when I see the magnitude I get a horrible fear ... paralyzing.
How did I get there? Why am I there?
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Then the house begins to grow and I realize that I am not really alone. That they observe me, that there are many other entities seeing me hidden in the dark.
My stomach turns, but there is nothing to expel, it is just the involuntary movement ... incessant ... that not only does not produce anything, but that takes away my energy ... that makes me weaker, despite what weak that I already am.
I have nausea that won't stop, the house is spinning, but it's not really spinning.
Every time I notice more glances that see me with anger, with anger, with arrogance, with bitterness.
I want to look elsewhere, but everything is covered in these looks, and I realize the levels of suffering within that house.
Who are the owners of those looks, are they souls? Are they entities? are they demons? are they micro mirrors?
My body is too heavy to run despite how scared I am.
I'm scared, my body already hurts. I find it difficult to raise my arms, as if I had been hit, I find it difficult to breathe, to open my eyelids. But I can't stop watching.
I feel paralyzing fear and horrible despair.
I want to open my eyes, focus, to be able to see well what is happening, but the light is very, very scarce and fleeting. THE darkness occupies everything, even the thick unbreathable air.
And suddenly he appears in front of me with an absolute and powerful presence. Fear and darkness in one. I am standing in front of the devil. And it intimidates me and becomes stronger and more powerful when feeling me.
Take advantage of each of my feelings of fear and terror to become big, strong, powerful.
I am in his house. I am in their territory.
He looks at ME and makes himself see. It grows encompassing all levels.
Maybe house floor is a level from hell as Dante told it.
But I have never believed in that. I never believed in hell, much less that there were levels.
It is contradictory for me, to think that God exists and that hell exists.
But hell exists. I am here, I am witnessing it ... I am inside the, in the bosom of hell if hell had a bosom.
And I see destruction, hatred, pain and all the bad things that have names, and also all the bad things that don't. The unimaginable, unthinkable, insufferable, unspeakable things. Everything fits here.
More than a mansion, it is a kingdom, a whole universe.
And the demon takes strength and volume, and takes flight to intimidate me even more.
He stares at me and smiles. He keeps his gaze fixed, flames twinkle in his eyes.
Each time it feels stronger, I feel more insignificant. Weaker. Smaller. More vulnerable.
It comes to me. It comes closer, it becomes my size, noticeably bigger and stronger but in proportion. As if it were a person, it takes shape.
And I can see in his eyes ...
who loves me ...
that there is no other goal than to have me ...
that he will not give up until he has me ...
And my body has no strength ... but my soul does.
I still shine inside of me ...
I still live inside this body ...
I'm still here...
I'm still my own owner.
And the devil challenges me with his eyes. And I challenge him.
I have nothing to lose anymore.
How much more pain can you take?
Will it break my bones? And will it hurt? How much will it hurt?
How can you measure pain ...? If one bone is broken, does it hurt the same as if two are broken? Or what if you break ten? Will I lose consciousness?
What if I don't lose it?
That. I decide in a second. that is my true fear .... to feel pain forever. Have no rest.
Do not reach truce.
It's like he's reading my gaze, like he's devouring every scary thought to feed himself.
And I see again in his eyes, behind those flames that consume every fear that passes through my mind ... the truth.
The truth that everything is a game. That can intimidate me but not control me.
He has no control over me. It doesn't matter that I'm at your house. It doesn't matter how close to me he is. No matter how much it scares me. It doesn't matter how much terror always and how much energy it consumes from me. I am in control. I decide. He can't touch me. He can't do anything to me.
But he realizes my discovery and is furious. Everything around me burns, I suffocate but my body feels cold. A deep cold that penetrates the bones, that burns the skin and lungs. My body is shaking involuntarily to stay alive.
And an abyss of screams and torture opens on the floor of hell. I can feel the rage and anger of the devil himself as he realizes that I know he does not control me.
Impressive flames rise from the abyss ... screams of pain and distress. And it makes me terribly want to fuck. To throw myself into the abyss ... to allow the flames of pain to dissolve everything.
But does pain dissolve something?
What is behind all this? Because I am here? Who brought me? What is the purpose ?
Is this Karma? I died and the sum of all my mistakes brought me here? Or maybe just a mistake brought me here?
But what good is the KArma if I don't remember what brought me here?
None of this is okay.
Nothing has logic.
I've always followed my instincts and everything has always turned out fine.
I want to jump and I will.
But ... what if that's what brought me here? What if following my instincts was what was wrong all the time and now I have to learn?
Hell grows ... The Devil gets angry ... the flames burn and the screams are more and more painful. The air is exhausted.
I don't have to be here and I jump into the abyss ... and I began to fall ... my throat closes, fear consumes me ... uncertainty eats away at my soul ...
At what point will I come to an end?
What is the end?
I want anything but this.
Perhaps the "end" is not the worst ... the worst is this.
And in a second I find myself outside the red house.
Seeing it in its splendor from afar.
A beautiful and majestic house.
No one would imagine what is inside.
The day is beautiful, sunny and with a soft summer breeze it brings me back to my body.
Whole, rested. Full. Healthy.
I breathe gently without difficulty. I feel light and happy.
Bright and alive.
And I smile with my face, and my heart smiles with me.
We did it. We managed to get out of there!
One more conquest!
One more achievement!
I feel stronger, wiser, smarter, more prepared ... fuller. More me.
He smiled ... because what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
I have conquered my greatest fear.