This is the second time in my life that I find myself in the same situation.
The first time it happened to me, I woke up locked inside an unfamiliar house.
I didn't know how I got there.
I didn't even remember what was the last thing that had happened to me.
I didn't know if someone had kidnapped me. I couldn't remember the last time I had been conscious.
I didn't know how log had I been unconscious for. Has it been a day, a week? a month?
I was making big efforts to remember whatever was the last thing that was etched into my memory, but there was nothing.
I didn't even remember my name, I didn't know how old I was or if I was a man or a woman.
I felt calm about this fact. I guess, not knowing what you do not know is harmless.
Little by little I was gaining consciousness.
At least at that moment I realized I existed.
I began to realize that I had a more feminine than masculine presence, and that I was young.
But how did I get there?
Did someone take me?
Did I go by myself, fell and hit my head?
I was not hungry, not cold, nor hot.
I was not in pain, I was just very confused.
Little by little I began to become aware of my surroundings.
I was in a house I did not know.
There was no known smell.
There were no noises.
I also felt that I was alone.
That there was absolutely no one in the house …
The room I was in had no windows, but it was brightly lit.
I didn't know if it was day or night so I decided to walk.
As soon as I started walking, I had the feeling that the room was growing.
I was moving toward the door, but the door was moving away.
Then I started to feel urgency, I wanted to get to the door of the room to get out of it.
Was I delusional? How can a room get bigger, how can a room expand?
I could see out the door and there were other pieces of the house that seemed to be similar to the one I was in.
They were white rooms with blue, everything seemed very bright.
At last I made it to the door and there were corridors and other rooms.
I began to walk through the corridors and rooms with difficulty and realized that none of the rooms had windows.
Also all the rooms looked the same and so were the corridors.
At that point I was lost inside the house.
I had no idea how many rooms I had visited.
There was no furniture either ... there was nothing in those rooms, none of them was a bathroom, or a kitchen.
They were all simple rooms of different sizes, all expanding.
The rooms stretched out in all directions, the ceiling, the walls, the floor ...
Or was I getting smaller? It was difficult to know what was happening ...
There was nothing for reference.
I have always felt very comfortable with loneliness, but in that house the loneliness was absolute, as if I were in another kingdom ... There was nothing or no one outside that house.
Knowing that I was alone made me feel very, very sad.
I was lonely!
As I had that thought, as if the thought it self was the key to opening another door another side of the house opened, from the white corridors other corridors began to expend.... they were dark red... maybe red... maybe black. It was so dark I couldn't really tell.
And despite the darkness I could see.
I could see the walls, the ceilings ... but like the rooms on the white and blue side, there were no windows.
Then I started to feel more anxious looking for the exit.
There must be a reason, some logic behind all this.
I began to walk deeper into the dark side.
Then I realized that the dark side rooms were contracting.
Just like in the white side of the house.. the change was almost imperceptible at first, but constant change made this clear. The rooms were in fact contracting. Or maybe I was getting bigger in the dark side of the house.
I panicked and began to move faster, the faster I went the faster the rooms contract.
On one of the steps I gave I went to the white side of the house. As if I had passed through a portal.
But something inside me told me, that the more time I spent inside the white side, the less chance I had of getting out of there, that I could stay trapped in the white house. Alone. Lonely. For eternity.
So I returned to the dark corridors traying to go fast, but not too fast where the rooms were so small I could not fit, looking for something, but what ?
And then, there it was. A room with no floor.
The edge of the dark side of the house... or the edge to the whole house?
I wasn't sure. I just new it was an edge. There was an abyss for floor in that room.
Had I been distracted I would have just given another step and fell down.
It was the first time I had seen anything like it, Maybe the house was built on a cliff and the trap room left with no bottom so people would fall.
But how high is this cliff? is there water at the bottom?
I perceive no smell of the ocean nor I hear waves crashing.
IT must be a moonless night because its impossible to see exactly where the bottom is...
Like a black hole ... I did not know exactly what was behind that ground that was different.
It was more like an abyss.
Do abysses have an ends?
Is there a very, very far ground?
I didn't know.
But the pain of thinking to spend one more second in that room pushed me to take the step.
But instead of falling, I woke up.
It was a dream!
I could finally remember .... I'm Monica!
I'm 17 years old. I live in Culiacán. Mexico.
I am in the common area of my house.
The TV is off.
I breathe deeply.
Like Niagara Falls, an endless amount of information began to download into my mind … and I felt good.
I felt happy to be me again.
Of having found me.
Of having realized that it had just been a nightmare.
I felt rested, not hungry, or cold.
I surely had a waking dream ...
Maybe I had a mega trip in an ultra second that did not last at all in
Maybe this is what they call blackouts.
Everything was normal.
I remembered that my mom had taken my brother to his tennis practice, and that my dad was at work and that I had stayed home to finish my homework.
I went to the kitchen and everything was going smoothly, everything was calm, there was no noise, no breeze ... there was nothing.
That is when I realized that something did not feel normal.
At that time of day, there are children playing out in the street, air conditioner units running with their noisy engines, cars pass outside the house making a little noise... but everything was too quiet ...
I began to tour my house.
Everything looked in order.
The dining room, in order.
The kitchen, in order,
The living room, in order ... The dining room ... The TV room ... my room ...
And standing there at the entrance to my room I was surprised to see someone in my bed.
It was not uncommon that me and my friends would take a nap in the middle of the day if they had come over for lunch and homework afterward.
Culiacan, Mexico is a very hot place. Specially during summer.
I approached her slowly and each time I got closer that body sleeping in my bed seemed more familiar.
It was my body ... !!!
I was asleep in my bed, and somehow I could see me from outside.
I turned to look down, where my body should be ... and in that moment I realized that all this time I had not had a body ... I was only essence.
I had walked around my house like a ghost.
But what to do?
Who to ask ...?
There was no one around ...
I tried to get on top of my body ... accommodate everything as my physical body was accommodated ... but somehow my body repelled me.
It was very difficult to imagine that I put my arms in a certain way, because my essence did not have arms ...
I tried going up high and dropping towards my body. But again and again my soul was being repelled. as if the magnets were both on the same poles.
I went out of the room, thinking ... what am I going to do when my mother and brother arrive? Can they see me? will they think I'm a ghost?
And my body ... is it still alive? Did I die?
I immediately went to see my body.
To study it... to analyze it.
I could float from one place to another but I could also transport myself from one place to another immediately, like teleportation. Simply disappear from one place and instantly appear in another.
My body was so beautiful ... it exuded a soft light and a beautiful peace indescribable for this world.
The light extended from my heart in all directions to everywhere... I could not see the end of the beams of light. It had sparkles and rays of light moving... as if the light was alive on tis own.
I have never seen anything so beautiful on earth with my earthy eyes.
Just looking at that body made you instantly feel at peace and fall in love with everything. It was like taking a drug just looking at it.
I stoped. I remember that I needed to find a way to go back inside it.
I started walking around the house, looking for ... something ... a clue ... something that could help me ... and when I go back into the kitchen I see someone covered in white feathers and a mother's presence.
I immediately felt so much peace in this presence.
The presence was sitting in a chair at the kitchen table.
She communicated with me non-verbally, and even though I could perceive an image of her ... because she felt a more feminine than masculine presence ... she didn't have a body either.
She introduced herself to me and I communicated what was worrying me .... then she lovingly tells me ... go ahead.
"Trust! Jump! Let go!"
I didn't know what she was referring to, and so she left! She disappeared!
What does this mean???
I was trying to decipher the message when suddenly a force brings me back to the room that has an abyss in the floor.
As if thousands of loving hands had taken me softly but confidently, like a mother carries her baby.
The house was rapidly contracting.
It was very quick but in slow motion, I had the same feeling when you are having an accident where you can see everything moving slowly but in reality it only takes a split second.
I wanted to see what was on the other side of that mysterious floor ... but there was no time to think more.
The walls were about to touch each other and the ceiling was about to touch the ground ...
A split second before everything disappeared ... I jumped!
I started to slowly fall for a long time.
"There was no bottom!" I realized.
I will be now, falling for eternity.
Can you get comfortable falling?
If there was a bottom, what would happen once I reach it? Will it hurt?
I started to fall faster and faster ...
And suddenly I began to recognize our universe, galaxies, the solar system, our planet, countries and sea, land my county, my town, my house, my roof, my body ...
A puff of air violently enters my body!
Wow ... what a heavy body ...I can't move it.
Its like made out of something heavier than iron yet more flexible, but not that flexible at the same time. It feels Damp. Warm. Alive.
I finally got inside my body, I thought. and I have broken it on the way in.
I am paraplegic now.
My body was not responding, but I knew I was inside it ...
At least it was breathing and I could feel the body and the breathing rhythm.
It was very strange to realized that I was feeling calm.
I did not panic at the thought of not being able to move my body. Even in this great circumstance and not knowing what it meant to be paraplegic I was still happy to be alive. I was so grateful for life.
And it did not make sense to me. Where was all this gratitude and love coming from?
I had a fabulous life before and I id not feel like this most of the times.
I had lived my life with such entitlement before this experience.
and somehow being out of my body had made me appreciate it so much.
My vision was out of focus, beads of sweat ran down my forehead.
The air came in hot from my nose ...
My chest expanded little by little, first slowly, then rhythmically.
As best as I could, I tried moving again...
I made a plan in my head:
I know I cannot get up, but how much movement do I still have.
I have control of my eye lids, I can open and close.
I am breathing on my own.
What else can I move and how much?
With a lot of difficulty I was able to move my lips only to realize I was slobbering.
So maybe not a lot of control of the mouth, but somewhat.
My eyes gradually started gaining focus.
My body felt heavy, like I could feel the weight of my skin, the weight of my muscles.
I could feel the pain from my contractures.
My finger! I could move my small finger..
While trying to move my finger a shock of electricity rant though all my nerves and whit a jerking move my body shuck.
My arm lifted and fell down again without me asking for the movement.
My feet shook too. AS if an automated checking of the machinery that my body was in that moment was taking place.
When it was done I was able to move by my command with a lot of difficulty.
It was hot ... it was very hot ... but also cold, the cold from the sweat in contrast to the heat of my skin running down my back. I could feel every millimeter of my skin, I could feel my pores and the skin hairs. I could feel my organs, I could feel the blood circulating. I could feel each one of my cells. As if I was divided and being each one of the cells but also being the whole of all the cells.
My eyes moved to where I directed them.
My hands began to move at my command.
I reincorporate myself.
I sit on the side of the bed. Feeling heavy, as if struck by a train.
I leave my room somewhat disoriented …
Everything looks normal, the TV room.
The dinning room, the kitchen.
I go to the formal dinning area that has huge windows from ceiling to floor and I can see the street.
No cars passing by, no children playing.
But I am in the right realm.
I know it!
It feels right !