Unbecoming Myself

 Lately I've been reading everywhere on social media to do some self care. 

It sounds amazing! 

Dedicating time and effort to go into myself, great! 

Doing something that would make me feel better ? Awesome ! 

So I started making a mental list of all the things that I like doing. 

That is when I realized that I am not sure that I still like the things I used to like before. 

If you asked me what are my favorite things to do, I have them memorized. I have a long list of pleasurable things that I like. But do I really still like them.

I love dancing.

I love singing.

I love meditating.

I love long walks at the beach.

I love painting. 

I love reading and learning new things. 

I love watching a good movie, 

I even love having a drink.

But do I really ? 

Do I really love doing those things? 

Its funny how I feel like when I was younger I thought I knew exactly who I was. 

I liked black clothes. Gothic stuff. I had a very defined taste. 

I liked dark reads, I liked history and facts. 

I liked painting. I could spend hours painting. 

I could also spend hours reading. 

I remember leaving the library with a stack of books and feeling really happy. 

Sometimes I would read books cover to cover in one or two sittings. I was completely immerse.

I remember so many nights staying up all night just to keep painting. 

I would produce 5 paintings at a time or at least start them since I liked oils and they take a bit more to dry and acrylic was silly.

I also enjoyed going out to dance and stay late until we were kicked out of the club.

I knew exactly what kind of makeup I liked. 

I knew what style of clothing and shoes I liked. 

But as I grew older I started changing. My taste started changing too and my body changed as well. 

I started liking other things, like the pink color, the color of the clothes in my closet changed from black and dark to beige and light colors. I also started liking flowers. 

I was more patient. I spoke less.Listened more. 

 I chose my words more wisely and I started saving my energy. Picking up my fights and being more observant than participative. 

Now that I am an adult with a husband and a child in this pandemic I often find myself not knowing what I want to do for self care. 

I feel like I am sometimes not covering my basic needs, like full restful sleep, just "down" time and or eating well. And when I have to choose what to use my resources to fill me up, I can't decide. 

I feel overwhelmed. 

I want to go out for a drink, but to be honest with you, just getting ready takes too much time. We go out and I do feel like drinks are overpriced, and right now I do not even get the full experience of being out with other people.  I get stressed about getting a headache the next day and also trying to watch myself to not get too drunk because if something happens to my son where I have to go get him from the grandparents I need to be 100%. ( Did I mention that now a days one to two drinks can actually make me feel drunk? )

I also realize that I can't walk on high heels for long periods of time and while I do not want to be uncomfortable, I also do not want to be wearing flats all the time.

Another example of feeling overwhelmed is when my husband takes my child so I can have time for myself and I feel like I must do all this cleaning at the house that I do not get to do when our child  is around. 

By the time I am done with the putting away, cleaning or other thing that I "Want to do" like sleeping. I already ran out of time for pleasurable things. Like taking a bike ride or reading.

So next time, I try doing pleasurable things first. 

I take out my flooring, put on my dancing shoes and play some music to dance, but I cannot stop thinking about the floor that I have not cleaned, or the bedding that needs to be washed at some point that week. Or the laundry that I need to put away and instead of enjoying a session of dance. So instead of feeling fulfilled, I feel like a failure.

Sometimes at night when I try to read a book, my brain is so fried that I can't seem to focus.  I would love to read at least 5 pages every day, but instead I waist my time on social media, or on my phone. 

What is happening to me? 

I do not recognize myself. 

If I need to describe myself now, I might not e able to do it. 

Do I really enjoy dancing anymore ?  Why can't I just get immersed in the dance and foresee anything else. 

Why can't I just pick a book and read it cover to cover? 

Why can't I just want to go for a walk at the beach? 

So now that I am unbecoming, I can go deep and find who I really am and who I want to be to start Becoming.